Battle Fatigue

After several email conversations, Annie suggested this book about disorganized and disoriented attachment disorders. Hungry for information, but finding very little, I dove head first into the book. It's the first (I hope of many) books I've opened on the subject, and my working information previous to it was limited to a few articles sent to me by a friend who is a psychologist, websites, and a few blogs by moms of kids with RAD. The book did not disappoint, at least not the first half of it.

The first half was perfect for me on MANY levels. You see, we do not have a diagnosis of RAD. Or any diagnosis for that matter. Actually, she did receive a diagnosis before she was placed with us, at the tender age of 2, with adjustment disorder with anxious mood. But the mental health services she's received once placed with us only entail one visit with one counselor that lasted about 20 minutes. I wrote about that here. I may be jumping extremely quickly to extremely ridiculous assumptions, but based on our first meeting I have little confidence in her competence to help my daughter with healing or adequately diagnose/teach us to deal with this disorder. If you are able to understand my ramblings, and are still interested, my point is that there has been basically NO understanding, no pointing in any direction, no support, and no affirmation. The book most certainly answered any lingering doubts about the disorder. No, I'm not a psychiatrist, but much of the book might as well be titled with my little girl's name. It was as if they studied her and then wrote the symptoms. I can not begin to tell you how much relief that alone has brought. Self doubt has certainly been a way of life for much longer than I care to admit. But there it was, in text, things I thought I might just have made up.

It completely disassembled the behaviors, the reasons behind them, and therefore furthered my understanding of the disorder (and thus my understanding of my little girl). I almost feel as if I know her better just because I have gained a little more insight into her behaviors. Because she has such a flat affect on big things, while blowing very small things entirely out of proportion, it's been hard to connect with her. Love her, yes, but know her? Not yet. She's quite skilled at keeping us at arms length. She may need us, and therefore she'll string us along, but only for her own agenda. Not really letting us in on her life just yet. I still believe it will come, though.

Not only did it solidify my growing belief that she has this disorder, but it even pegged my own feelings as if they'd prodded my very soul and wrote what they saw. More relief. My reaction may not always be right, but it's not abnormal. It's understandable, and apparently predictable. I know I've written the word relief way too many times already in this post, but I just can't think of a better way to describe the weight that lifts when you can see plainly that others have traveled this path, felt the same way, acted the same way, and that my family is not alone.

Where I felt the book came up short, though, was the area of what I can actually apply. First of all, it is directed to therapists who will be implementing corrective attachment therapy. It's process includes 2 weeks of 3 hours of therapy per day. Therapists. Not parents. And strongly urges unqualified individuals from employing the process. It did include case examples and very specific dialogue, but no child under 7 was used. My little RADling is only 4. And while it clearly states this order takes root in VERY young infants/toddlers who might not even remember their abuse/neglect/trauma, the dialogue in every case study it uses as an example is with children who do remember. Again, doesn't apply to us.

So, it's now my life mission to find out everything I possibly can about this disorder, and becoming an expert on every therapeutic method out there. I'm not interested in any re-birthing or other insane method, though I can certainly see how a mom would be willing to try it. Right now, while I find more information to read, I'm just concentrating on lots of eye contact, appropriate touch and holding. I've heard some moms make mention of things like letting kids put stickers on their face (promoting touch and eye contact) and popping sweet candy into their mouths while looking into their eyes (connecting pleasant with eye contact and touch), so I'm wondering where they got that type of applicable information? I'm asking, since, you know, you guys are experts in this disorder, right? Actually, Annie does read, and she's fighting this battle, too. And sounds as though Dean might be an excellent source as well.

And if you aren't sleeping by now or if I haven't put you into a boredom coma, you can pray that the battle fatigue that has consumed my husband and I lately (and includes many other aspects of our lives other than helping our little girl heal) will fade. We know Whose we are, and we have not mistakenly put our trust in Him. But walking the walk minute after minute becomes exhausting and frustrating at times. We just need a little boost and will take it in the form of your prayers, please. We reciprocate, by the way. And do not hesitate to fall to our knees on your behalf. In fact, I can think of several of you that we are currently interceding for. You, and You, and You(and family), and You......