Ridiculous

It's a word I use to describe a lot of different things. The noise level in my house right at this moment: ridiculous. The expectation for those shorts you wore yesterday to be clean today: ridiculous. Our bank account: ridiculous. The current predicament we're in (no job, last pay check drawn): ridiculous. And best of all, my entire day yesterday: ridiculous.

Let's start with my attitude. The ability to completely trust in God's timing in fizzling fast. My once, "it will all work out" mindset is quickly beginning to focus on how long it's been since we've had any real direction. Frustration and stress and irritability is kind of winning over my normally laid back attitude. I understand attitude is a choice. And it's something I believe pretty whole heartedly. But for whatever reason, whether it is really under my control or not, I'm having trouble changing it. Overwhelmed is not a fun state to be in day after day.

Yesterday was NOT good. My blessing couldn't seem to pee in the potty not one time. Not to mention her uncontrollable obsession with pouring out bottles of soap and shampoo. My Charity seemed to think acting like she did on Day 1 of her arrival would be better than all the progress she seemed to have made lately. Grace was extra whiny and insistent that her doctor needs to take off her "ganglion cyst". And yes, she calls it by it's actual medical name. It was cute, the first thousand times. Faith and Hope seemed to think treating each other like, well, like children would treat each other, was suitable. And if you didn't catch it in the last sentence, hind sight allows me to see the problem was with my expectations. They were only doing what children do. But my reaction? RIDICULOUS.

I lost it. By "it", I mean everything. My temper. My sanity. Any semblance of filtering what I say FIRST. I even lost my soft voice. Decibel 5 seemed to be the only level I could say anything. Couple that with glaring eyes. I had to apologize to ALL my children. And quit entertaining any thoughts of being Mother-of-the-year. Sheesh. Just when I thought I had it all together. (better read that sarcastic. That's how I meant it)

My husband came in for lunch about the time I exploded. He looked at me like I was growing horns or something. I busted out crying, throwing up all my feelings of worthlessness and failure all over him. He continued to look at me like I'd just fallen from outer space. Then, in his all understanding, gentle, loving manner, he said, "Gotta go back to work". And left. You're jealous, aren't you? You know you want him for your husband.

This isn't meant to bash him. But that's what happens when we expect our husbands to fill a void that they can't fill. It's unfair to expect them to. From there, what did we do? We dug in the change bucket for a dollar and 10 cents per person. Then went to the dollar store. Yes, I bought forgiveness. Maybe. Does it cost more than a dollar? What is the going rate these days?

Then my children, who I fully expected, and even wanted to spend on things completely cheap and fun and RIDICULOUS....no, every last one of them chose practical things. We came home with some headbands, chapstick, a hat. A different day I'd be proud. But at the moment even that seemed like a testimony of my horrible parenting. Guess I'll go eat worms. Long, thin slimy ones.

Thank the Lord today is a new day and His mercies are new each morning. Gratefulness reigns again.


I wonder how long before I screw it up.