Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Ridiculous

It's a word I use to describe a lot of different things. The noise level in my house right at this moment: ridiculous. The expectation for those shorts you wore yesterday to be clean today: ridiculous. Our bank account: ridiculous. The current predicament we're in (no job, last pay check drawn): ridiculous. And best of all, my entire day yesterday: ridiculous.

Let's start with my attitude. The ability to completely trust in God's timing in fizzling fast. My once, "it will all work out" mindset is quickly beginning to focus on how long it's been since we've had any real direction. Frustration and stress and irritability is kind of winning over my normally laid back attitude. I understand attitude is a choice. And it's something I believe pretty whole heartedly. But for whatever reason, whether it is really under my control or not, I'm having trouble changing it. Overwhelmed is not a fun state to be in day after day.

Yesterday was NOT good. My blessing couldn't seem to pee in the potty not one time. Not to mention her uncontrollable obsession with pouring out bottles of soap and shampoo. My Charity seemed to think acting like she did on Day 1 of her arrival would be better than all the progress she seemed to have made lately. Grace was extra whiny and insistent that her doctor needs to take off her "ganglion cyst". And yes, she calls it by it's actual medical name. It was cute, the first thousand times. Faith and Hope seemed to think treating each other like, well, like children would treat each other, was suitable. And if you didn't catch it in the last sentence, hind sight allows me to see the problem was with my expectations. They were only doing what children do. But my reaction? RIDICULOUS.

I lost it. By "it", I mean everything. My temper. My sanity. Any semblance of filtering what I say FIRST. I even lost my soft voice. Decibel 5 seemed to be the only level I could say anything. Couple that with glaring eyes. I had to apologize to ALL my children. And quit entertaining any thoughts of being Mother-of-the-year. Sheesh. Just when I thought I had it all together. (better read that sarcastic. That's how I meant it)

My husband came in for lunch about the time I exploded. He looked at me like I was growing horns or something. I busted out crying, throwing up all my feelings of worthlessness and failure all over him. He continued to look at me like I'd just fallen from outer space. Then, in his all understanding, gentle, loving manner, he said, "Gotta go back to work". And left. You're jealous, aren't you? You know you want him for your husband.

This isn't meant to bash him. But that's what happens when we expect our husbands to fill a void that they can't fill. It's unfair to expect them to. From there, what did we do? We dug in the change bucket for a dollar and 10 cents per person. Then went to the dollar store. Yes, I bought forgiveness. Maybe. Does it cost more than a dollar? What is the going rate these days?

Then my children, who I fully expected, and even wanted to spend on things completely cheap and fun and RIDICULOUS....no, every last one of them chose practical things. We came home with some headbands, chapstick, a hat. A different day I'd be proud. But at the moment even that seemed like a testimony of my horrible parenting. Guess I'll go eat worms. Long, thin slimy ones.

Thank the Lord today is a new day and His mercies are new each morning. Gratefulness reigns again.


I wonder how long before I screw it up.

13 comments:

hsmomma5 said...

Ok, so have you been looking in my window??? Were you REALLY describing yourself or "a friend" {wink, wink}???

Don't be so hard on yourself (although I rarely take my own advice...). I'm just glad to know I am not the only one.

And remember (hope it doesn't sound too cliche) Faith is not faith until it is ALL you have.....

Hang in there....praying for you....

deepfriedpicklesandicecream said...

Ganglion cyst,Jamie has one too. ;)

I am going to second what hsmomma5 just said because I cant say it better.

Jeff said...

TJ is the MAN! Wow. I'm so proud... all those compassion seminars he and I have been to are really paying off... ;)

On another note, your post reminds me of the transparency and honesty of the Psalms. One verse the author is lifting sublime praise to the Most Holy. The next chapter calls for the babies of his enemies to be dashed against the rocks.

Our emotions are so fickle and stress compounds them until fraying, they spray everywhere.

Thanks for reminding us all of our humanity and reality of being creatures. You do nothing but cause us to respect you more.

The Source said...

Awww...my prayers are with you. May you have less stress, less upset, less ridiculous and more peace today!

Maury said...

Ahh....so I am not the only one that has days like that!! Thanks goodness that kids are oh so fogiving, and I am sure that day affected you way worse than it did them. If they are like my kids, they probably thought you just blended in with the crowd b/c you were acting like them! LOL

chickadee said...

"You're jealous, aren't you? You know you want him for your husband."
i laughed and laughed at that so your whole post was worth it just to make me laugh!

i went to your horrible walmart last night with three kids alone. they had sword fights in the aisles and milo walked around squeeking a dog toy! and my husband (the one i'm considering trading off) refused to go with me. he was tired from work of all things. so i was wallowing in self-pity, having to do it all alone, pregnant no less.

can i join you in your ridiculous pity party?

Annie said...

I will be hosting the pity party here in my perfectly clean house, it however won't start til midnight as that is the only time it is clean, and quiet. There will be no food served because I am down to canned vegetables as I refuse to go to the grocery without the children who won't start school until late August. Our main party activity will be doing my laundry, I have not kept up the five loads a day that are required to keep Mt. Washmore under control. My husband will not however be in the husband trading pool as he is a Godsend. Thank you for being transparent, none of us have it all together.

HisPrincess said...

Your post made me laugh, it made me cry (but most things are making me cry today - one of those days)but mostly it blessed me.

Thankyou for your honesty and your willingness to share.

I'm visiting through Naomi's blog, and I look forward to visiting again!

Sharon.

suzanne said...

gotta call me, girlie!! oh my.

so there.

and if you and chickadee find a good trade for your hubbies let me know where!

i read the other day that a homeschoolin' mama had been given a whistle by her husband "because, honey, you sound insane when you yell." i'm contemplatin' that whistle!

Scrapper Mom said...

Hi there. Chickadee introduced us the other night at VBS. I've lurked around on your blog several times, but never commented.

Your Walmart post the other day cracked me up...but todays post was oh so familiar. We all have days like that.

Nice to meet you....again.

40winkzzz said...

Gosh. Days like that almost make you want to go back to Wal-Mart.

Or not.

Mandy said...

It's amazing.. you really are human like the rest of us, hu? ;) You are Wonder Woman to many of us, and it is almost refreshing to see that even you struggle from time to time. I pray your struggle was only for our one time benefit and your days are smoother sailing for a while! I am praying for you guys constantly... God is preparing SOMETHING great... I know you wish he'd come on with it already. That's how God likes to do things... nice and slow and to the degree that he "almost" makes us completely insane.

dean said...

well, i don't want him for a husband, but if he wants to earn a little side money giving me seminars on how to walk away from stuff like that, i'll pay!

btw, there's a whole campus full of foster (cottage) moms at the baptist home, and i'm sure most any of them would be glad to lend an ear and a shoulder. i'm praying for you guys...