Thursday, January 8, 2009

Therapy

So I would be completely ashamed of myself if Charity's psychiatrist somehow ended up here on the blog. But I so must blog this. It's just too ridiculous. And that seems to be the theme of my life lately.

The therapist and I have had little success getting on the same page. She's a kind lady who I think genuinely wants to help kids. I think I'm somewhat at fault because it's hard to really describe fully how things are going, especially when I know my own actions, feelings, and responses are being evaluated. And not as a mom. As a foster mom. One whose care could be considered not the best for this child. Then, bye-bye baby. So perhaps I'm a little guarded.

But I decided before this particular session that all gloves would come off. VERY frustrated with not really having any help. Oh, we go. And we talk. And there she sits across from me talking to Charity as if she's trying to talk her into better behavior. For 30 minutes every 4 to 6 weeks. I'm left wanting help and direction, and feeling like I'm not getting any. I'm reading all these amazing things about tapping, weighted blankets, specific parenting techniques for kids like mine. But what we get is 30 minutes of batting eyes, a high pitched voice, and pleas for better behavior. That's likely to work. Right?

So I went in hoping that clearing the air and setting out better expectations might help things. I started by saying maybe she didn't completely understand what I meant when I say we've had some really bad days. Maybe she didn't understand just how she's been acting out. My husband and I are very concerned and very alarmed at some of the things she's done. We're talking false allegations of abuse (Mom doesn't feed me, she doesn't let me play with toys, she'll be mad at me, etc.). We're talking pet abuse. Enticing first, then a swift kick. "here, kitty, kitty", then a few blows to the head. We're talking peeing in a drawer. Serious stuff, people. My kid is sick, and we need help. I even teared up. I didn't beg with my words but she had to see the stress and frustration and need for some direction.

So, she said that next time she hurt the cat, I should put the her in a kennel. For about an hour. So that she would have a consequence that she could physically see a response to her action.

I used so many "she's" in that previous sentence because that's exactly the way the therapist said it. My response? I busted out laughing. And said, "which one? The kitty or the kid?" I mean does that sound logical to you? Am I crazy? Is that a fitting consequence for Charity?

In my hysterical laughing I noticed her eyes bug out. A look I'm all too familiar with from my husband. It was that look like I had just dropped from outer space or something. A martian in her presence. And then I realized she was searching for whether or not I would put Charity in the kennel. And then I stammered and stuttered all over myself trying to explain that I didn't mean which one to put in the kennel. I meant, which one did she think that was a consequence for?

And she responded in her well trained way, "So, what I hear you saying is... (thoughtful pause while eyes blink)... Charity wouldn't really care if the cat was in the kennel? She isn't really attached to it?" Her EXACT words.

Again hysterical laughter. Um, NO. She has little to no attachment to ANY OF US. That's why we're here. For heaven's sake. Are we on different planets, here?

I went on to outright ask. What can we do? We don't know how to handle this. We are not even considering disruption, in fact, we just received word that we have been approved to adopt her. So finalization is coming and we celebrate that joyfully. But our kid is sick. And just like if she had cancer or some other disease of the body, we want her very best chance at life, and the very best treatment we can find.

And she says we're doing just fine. It will just take time. And unfortunately, Charity may be a tough nut to crack.

Really. Her words. Not one exaggeration.

And what's really telling, is I just told this woman my kid is abusing animals, lying like crazy, and peeing in a drawer. She said I could make another appointment if I wanted to. I asked how soon. She said in 4 to 6 weeks.

She's getting paid for this.

17 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh my holy heck! Drop the woman and run. She doesn't have a clue! I'm working on some options for you and you're going to get a really nice surprise next week. Hope you can handle surprises!

P.S. Don't worry....the troops are coming. You're going to get some help. K?

Scrapper Mom said...

I'm sorry, but therapist are nuts!! I took my oldest to a pediatric neurologist bc he was acting out some (not like Charity), but we were having some other issues. I would ask her questions pleading for help and she would send in the "Behavior Specialist"...just like your situation, she'd just sit there and softly ask my son all these polite questions about why he was doing these things and what it would take to make him stop.. pu.lease. They would make appts and I finally just quit wasting my time and money. Ridiculous.

I would say get a second opinion. Although you might get the same thing. They are pretty much all from the same planet...which obviously is not where we are from. lol.

Scrapper Mom said...

oh, we went to a neurologist in the first place bc he was diagnosed with Tourettes syndrome. That's why we were there. I never said that in my other comment. I figured you thought I was the nutty one for going to a neurologist for behavior issues. But really, Tourettes goes hand in hand with ADD, and ADHD and can with other things too. He's grown out of most of it. It just may take time with yours too, although it does sound more serious. You may have to really crack down on the consequences. (I know...much, much easier said than done). I'm a softy. Sorry for rambling in 2 long comments!!

hsmomma5 said...

OH.GOOD.GRIEF.....

And yet, I believe every word of because we have experienced the same thing.

The truth is, they have no idea. I want a therapist who has raised a child like this. Where do you find them around here? No where I am afraid.

That's why I just play the song and dance with therapists now. 30 minutes of "we-do-just-fine-thank-you-very-much-now-please-just-give-me-the-prescriptions-and-we-will-see-you-next-month" and a whole lot of praying. Not what I wanted but I don't have time for their crap....

hsmomma5 said...

Oh, and I forgot to say that I too wondered who she meant to put in a kennel and who the conseqence was for. :) So, punish the kitty, huh?

Yeah, right--I bet that'll do the trick nicely.....

Annie said...

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH. Put kitty in the kennel? Really?

Well, whatever you do just don't tell her no, the kitty or the child. That damages them somehow apparently. I think we send our RAD kids home with the therapist for a week and see if we can get help then....

a Tonggu Momma said...

I don't blog about RAD, but I wanted you to know that we were there at one point. Maybe not quite so bad, but the pee in the drawer thing? Yeah. Only our Tongginator's trend was smearing poop. The Tongginator is now a vivacious nearly-five-year-old. She is a tough cookie, but also a joy. I just wanted you to know that I'm reading. And I understand.

One thing that helped our family a ton was reading about oppositional defiance disorder -- and working with a combination of attachment parenting techniques and ODD techniques. Is that something your therapist has ever considered for your specific situation?

Rae said...

Ducks aren't the only ones that go quack-quack...

Keesler Chaos said...

Book recommend:
The Out of Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz.

I have no one with RAD, but a few with sensory/neuro issues, and this book REALLY helped.

Maury said...

I read this to Clay, and he said the same as Angie...so, punish the kitty? And we laughed b/c I know you wouldn't, but putting her in the kennel would be more effective than putting the kitty in there I bet.

Oh, I can't imagine your frustration! When I was talkingt to the therapist that leads the support group here, he offered to get me a list of therapists that specialize in RAD....if you want that list, I will get it for you. He was also mentioning some techniques of going back to the infancy basics and stuff, and said he knew of a good one, so I can get that for you if you want to try someone else.

I think it is time for you to get your Psychaitry degree, and not be a quack!!

I do have confidence, that you will for sure, somehow, find a way to help you, and she will heal. I know that, and God knows that, that is why he placed her with you. Hang in there, and let your frustration not get you down, but mad enough to be diligent in finding help!!

Jennifer said...

All I can say is Wow!! Where do they find these people??!!

Green Acres said...

Oh my, I'm so sorry. I had the same reaction..which one? Can you find a new therapist? What a waste of money this one is. I'll be praying for you.

Anonymous said...

NO therapy is better than THAT therapy!!! Run, run like the wind!! Finalize first, of course, so you're the 'real' mom.....can you get that done before the 4-6 weeks is up, oh wait, she said you could come back 'if you wanted' maybe not returning is an option after all.
I'm seriously sorry that you don't have more options available, that SHE doesn't have more options available. She does have you though and you're an amazing mom.
Praying for ya'll.

glitzen said...

oh my goodness, that woman sounds like she is sleepwalking through her job. how frustrating!
congrats on the adoption process, and oh dear oh dear...i don't know how you manage but you inspire the rest of us. Wowie. Prayers coming your way. hang in there!

Anonymous said...

former foster mom who is offended at being treated as one; instead of as a real mommy. i am thinking that since she is in pysch care, as a ward of the state, you cannot just 'stop' taking her as has be suggested, right?

Annie said...

Let's all teach our children that when we hurt others, not only are there no meaningful consequences to us, but to the victim. Yeah progressive thought.

Tracie Jones said...

There is a Behavior Specialist in our area. She works for at the Southeast Arkansas Education Service Cooperative. Her name is Camille. I don't know if you have her in school or not or how it works with home schooling to get her assistance but she is local. A good Christian woman and a friend and anything is better than what you are receiving now!!!