Monday, April 6, 2009

46 months, Take 2

At 46 months old, Blessing had lived with us for half of her life. Charity, on the other hand, was 46 months old when she came to live with us. Just 2 months shy of her 4th birthday. That means, theoretically anyway, that we can't really expect the fears she has of being ripped from us to leave until she's lived with us half of her life.... 92 months old, 4 months shy of her 8th birthday. I can't think about that now. Our life with her is very much so day to day. I get overwhelmed if I think about continuing to live like this indefinitely. When I look back at Blessing's pictures over her first days and weeks with us, I think about how far she has come, I'm overwhelmed with love and joy and thanksgiving for her accomplishments. Sometimes, it's that bursting heart feeling, like I can't even stand the blessing she is to us and our family. Too good to have. Too wonderful to explain.

Can I be completely honest? Don't misinterpret. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love Charity. In fact, I think that's why this walk hurts so much. She's this amazing girl. I know it. I see it. She's in there somewhere. I know what she's capable of. I know the impact she can have on this world. I know she hurts. I see that, too. I know she's been wounded far beyond what most people can even comprehend. That knowledge, though, makes it SO STINKING hard to watch her self destruct. Maybe it's because we haven't seen the improvement so easily. Blessing changed by leaps and bounds at a time. Every day her learning, loving, and change was noticeable, and tangible. For whatever reason, though, when I look back at Charity's pictures, all I see is this very sick little girl. It isn't the same feeling. It's frustration, sadness, and anger. To the point that I don't like looking at them. All I can think is how sick she is.

Here's where we are with our precious Charity: her attorney has made the recommendation that we be able to adopt. Fantastic. One check on our very long list. Next up: I finally approached her case worker about my disdain for her psychiatrist, and she gave me the approval I needed to find someone else. We found an attachment therapist who was willing to take her, however does not do her own evaluations or diagnosing. In other words, we would first have to find someone who would diagnose RAD, or at the very least say it needed ruled out for her. Another wall. Let me remind you we're here in po-dunk AR, where there seems to be lots of slamming of doors at the mention of RAD. But my pessimism turned out to be uncalled for, and a local therapist did a diagnostic evaluation on our Charity. She came up with 4 possible diagnosis that she felt Charity might be dealing with, all of which need to be ruled out by a psychiatrist. They were RAD, PTSD, FAS, and Bi-polar. And I'm sure any mother of "normal" kids reading is probably blowing a gasket, I'm here to tell you I was not at all phased by the possibility of us facing one, or a combination of any of those. In fact, as strange as it may sound, it's almost comforting. Mind you I do not want anything to be wrong with my baby. I do not want to deal with any of those disorders. But my husband and I are long past the stage of denial, far beyond hoping love will be enough. We know we can't love this out of her. We know just living with us won't somehow penetrate and heal her wounds. We know we need help. We know she needs help. We are more than ready to just accept whatever this is, and get on with how to handle it. Just like if she had cancer or some physical medical condition, we just want the best care, the best doctors, the best chance for her to live a full, joyful life. And in that moment, it was nice to be heard, to know that someone was agreeing that these things are not normal, and that we need more help than, "Oh, she's just a tough nut to crack. Come again in 6 weeks."

So we're in another holding pattern, but this time optimistic about having an actual attachment therapist. The referral has been made, so we wait. And hang on for dear life in the mean time.


chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

i'm glad you got a "good" diagnosis. i hope things continue to move forward for her.

also good to hear about the baby's court. sounds like she and tess will have the chance to be friends.

Anonymous said...

Yay! You probably know that RAD looks quite similar to the others listed and the others are often diagnosed first and then when the million meds don't work, they figure must be RAD. I hope that it all gets straightened out.

You need to find someone who only sees you once a year. We just got back from seeing the inlaws and they have very limited contract. Miracle was thrown around more than once re Felpsy. She has probably made huge improvements, but you are a little too close to the show on a daily basis to see it. hugs

hsmomma5 said...

Girl, you know I feel your pain.

You are not going to believe this, but our new therapist asked me a few weeks ago, "Have you ever heard of RAD? I think that may be the problem." BOY, HAVE I???? Unfortunately, her knowledge in the field is very limited, but I was glad to hear someone acknowledge the fact that is exists!

Anonymous said...

I am so thankful to hear that your caseworker is allowing you to parent her, fully, making life choices that could make or break her progress. That is critical.
I'm so glad that you got the Dx necessary to move forward with that plan. I will pray that you find a therapist that can deal with the Dx.
Sounds as if you have been blessed all around. I'll pray for Mercy's case as well, your move too, and the new job...

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you and PTL for the diagnosis,I know all about waiting for a diagnosis before treatment can be obtained!Frustrating!

glitzen said...

baby steps, but sounds like very good ones.
i really learn a lot from you. i hope to foster, and I know it will be hard to be "in the system" and at their mercy. I pray for wisdom.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Somehow I missed this post entirely!
GOsh I am so happy to hear you can get a new therapist. PHEW! I know what you mean about all of it. It is hard to see progress when every little step creates 5 new issues. When I look back with Genea, I can hardly believe we lived through it. And yet, when I look at her now, there is just so much damage waiting to heal. Her potential, probably like Charity, is unimaginable. Think what would happen if all that will power and intelligence were directed at curing cancer for example. Done deal, right?
so anyway, I feel your feelings!