Ridiculous

It's a word I use to describe a lot of different things. The noise level in my house right at this moment: ridiculous. The expectation for those shorts you wore yesterday to be clean today: ridiculous. Our bank account: ridiculous. The current predicament we're in (no job, last pay check drawn): ridiculous. And best of all, my entire day yesterday: ridiculous.

Let's start with my attitude. The ability to completely trust in God's timing in fizzling fast. My once, "it will all work out" mindset is quickly beginning to focus on how long it's been since we've had any real direction. Frustration and stress and irritability is kind of winning over my normally laid back attitude. I understand attitude is a choice. And it's something I believe pretty whole heartedly. But for whatever reason, whether it is really under my control or not, I'm having trouble changing it. Overwhelmed is not a fun state to be in day after day.

Yesterday was NOT good. My blessing couldn't seem to pee in the potty not one time. Not to mention her uncontrollable obsession with pouring out bottles of soap and shampoo. My Charity seemed to think acting like she did on Day 1 of her arrival would be better than all the progress she seemed to have made lately. Grace was extra whiny and insistent that her doctor needs to take off her "ganglion cyst". And yes, she calls it by it's actual medical name. It was cute, the first thousand times. Faith and Hope seemed to think treating each other like, well, like children would treat each other, was suitable. And if you didn't catch it in the last sentence, hind sight allows me to see the problem was with my expectations. They were only doing what children do. But my reaction? RIDICULOUS.

I lost it. By "it", I mean everything. My temper. My sanity. Any semblance of filtering what I say FIRST. I even lost my soft voice. Decibel 5 seemed to be the only level I could say anything. Couple that with glaring eyes. I had to apologize to ALL my children. And quit entertaining any thoughts of being Mother-of-the-year. Sheesh. Just when I thought I had it all together. (better read that sarcastic. That's how I meant it)

My husband came in for lunch about the time I exploded. He looked at me like I was growing horns or something. I busted out crying, throwing up all my feelings of worthlessness and failure all over him. He continued to look at me like I'd just fallen from outer space. Then, in his all understanding, gentle, loving manner, he said, "Gotta go back to work". And left. You're jealous, aren't you? You know you want him for your husband.

This isn't meant to bash him. But that's what happens when we expect our husbands to fill a void that they can't fill. It's unfair to expect them to. From there, what did we do? We dug in the change bucket for a dollar and 10 cents per person. Then went to the dollar store. Yes, I bought forgiveness. Maybe. Does it cost more than a dollar? What is the going rate these days?

Then my children, who I fully expected, and even wanted to spend on things completely cheap and fun and RIDICULOUS....no, every last one of them chose practical things. We came home with some headbands, chapstick, a hat. A different day I'd be proud. But at the moment even that seemed like a testimony of my horrible parenting. Guess I'll go eat worms. Long, thin slimy ones.

Thank the Lord today is a new day and His mercies are new each morning. Gratefulness reigns again.


I wonder how long before I screw it up.

Time?

Does anyone have some to spare?

Sorry to leave you hanging, and I really do have a lot on my mind that I would love to just sit down and type out, but SHEESH! After we returned from our FABULOUS weekend, the "big red bus" (which has so affectionately become the term for our family vehicle) was unloaded...... causing a major assortment of dirty and clean laundry, bags, swim suits, and more to be generously strewn through the living room. Add to the equation that 6 children need detox or a rehab program after a weekend of being indulged by friends and family (don't misunderstand....that indulgence is exactly what I expect and even think the kids need), and you get too much work and not enough time! ;)

The weekend was restful, encouraging, refreshing....and much more. Though I don't think there was any "new" idea for the two of us, it still reminded us of our line of priorities, and we got to spend the weekend concentrating on each other. Having a strong marriage is the greatest gift we can give our children, but with 4 children 4 and under (plus 2 others) sheer volume often pushes my husband's needs much farther back than they should be. I'll do my best to elaborate more on some of the ideas and thoughts that TJ and I came home with. Most importantly, we just thoroughly enjoyed being together, adult conversation, and full nights of rest and even a few naps in between! It is hard, though, to return to "normal" circumstances, and make the shift from ideas to actual practice in our life. I've already found myself standing amid all the chores, the quarreling toddlers, the crying baby, the phone ringing, the chicken burning....and all the open communication in the world just doesn't release the same stress as a few screams and a little profanity. I also kind of like how the kids scatter when that happens. I hold much power.

Ok, so there was no profanity, this time. But you get my point. And this weekend did serve as a reminder of the power I do hold.... to destroy, or to build. To mold, or crush. To respect, or undermine. And while I may be speaking of my attitude towards my husband, there is an extremely tight link from that to the legacy I'm leaving for my children. How they view their own identity and value based on how I view/treat my husband.

Meanwhile, we're trying to plan some fantastic fun for the summer that cost little to nothing. I'm ready to enjoy the summer with my kids!

AWOL

Our church family is sending my husband and I on a retreat this weekend. I can't remember the last time he and I went somewhere just the two of us...even for an hour, much less an entire weekend! They chose to give it to us during a church service, in which I began to cry. Not the graceful few tears and quiet sniffs that beautiful women sometimes show when overcome with emotion...no, pretty much it was the uncontrollable heaving and sobbing. Snot and tears and too few tissues. My name is certainly NOT Grace.

Much has happened over the last few months. I have been broken like never before. But the sobs did not come from that brokenness. It came from an overwhelming feeling of being picked back up and dusted off after a fall. Of others pulling us back up again and pouring out into us. The joy of a God who fills us back up after we've emptied ourselves before Him. It's humbling, as well. Part of me wants to push away and insist like a silly child that I can do it myself. Or better yet, just jump back up and hope that no one saw my face in the dirt.

I'm still slightly nervous about the logistics of leaving 6 children for 3 days, but the excitement of it all certainly overrides any concern. I am so thankful to all who made this possible...and a I'll be sure to share all about it when we return. Now, if I can somehow get everyone's bags packed, and the house in a state that I don't mind returning to.......